I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
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A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
The game has officially changed 😎
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Based Erika
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free