them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
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You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
your elf on the shelf was delicious
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
those birds must be on payroll
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out