can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
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I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol