Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
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Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me