Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
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over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
time for some seasonal decor
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!