Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
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Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.