@patrickhogan91: Can't get a woman? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving "this doesn't work" and "I'm bleeding to death".
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@DanMentos: "So Dave died" Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things "Both. it was a suicide pact" *dave walks in* hey guys
@HandyJack420: Wait...so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face? -me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
@dumbbeezie: Holiday tip. Always buy people gifts that you would like for yourself in case they piss you off before Christmas
@MavenofHonor: So many friends have kids now it's tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known