#NeverForget
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If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Why is no one talking about this?!