Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
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the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2