@IamEveryDayPpl: Can't. I'm outside getting free lasik surgery.
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@michowl: I get in this weird mood where I don’t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood ‘Awake’
@jakehightower34: Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into...A Human Centipede! Hostage 1: No! Hostage 2: Please! No! Me: So...who gets to be the front?
@ArfMeasures: HER: Does your dog do any tricks? ME: I taught him to lie on the bed H: That's not impressive lol DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
@PaulyPeligroso: If the light turns green & the guy behind you honks cause he thinks you're taking too long to go get out & start checking your tire pressure