Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
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I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)