Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
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Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.