Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
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friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news