opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
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*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
it be like that
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Beware of the “party goblin”…
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
wow
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.