@WilliamAder: Can't wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
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@jake_likes_naps: [in hospital] son: what happened dad me: bar fight son: over what? me: he said... *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
@simoncholland: My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I'm afraid it wants to murder me.
@sweetandweak: You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
@badbanana: Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.