@WilliamAder: Can't wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
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@RadOrDie: I gave my friend a gluestick instead of chapstick last weekend and she's still not talking to me.
@Donna_McCoy: Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane: 5. Winds 4. Flooding 3. Power outages 2. No pizza delivery 1. Wet socks
@KrazykurtKurt: When #EgyptAir announced "he's not a terrorist, just an idiot" My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
@briangaar: How about a superhero whose power is TAKING CARE OF HIS KIDS *high-fives Maury audience while Batman storms off*