Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
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Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
New mindset, who dis?
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.