Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
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anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Natural selection at its finest
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.