A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
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when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
hi why am I like this
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.