I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
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3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I want this so bad
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.