Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
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My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.