“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
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“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.