extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
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7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
#Caturday
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it