Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
You Might Also Like
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
This meal prepping shit easy
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.