Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
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My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.