[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
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I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Before & after 😅
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
tourist season
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Guantanamo Bae
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on