me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
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Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.