Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
You Might Also Like
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
The happy life.. 😊
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming