Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
You Might Also Like
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me: