Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
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There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
I hope they boil the right one.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.