@awescar: Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
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@Piecezilla: My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
@Black__Elvis: I'm sick and tired of all these goddamn illegal aliens taking jobs away from good, hard-working American aliens.
@stephenjmolloy: Newsreader: "And now Tom with the weather." Weatherman: "It's Tim, actually." Newsreader: "Sorry. And now Tom with the tim."