Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
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If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.