Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
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The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
this is funnier than any friends episode
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door