CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
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We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
got so much cardio in today
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life