CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
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The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
guys I’m going home
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?