WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
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Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!