Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
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Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Left at a local drug store…
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason