[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
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The funk soul brother
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
My spirit animal is fried chicken
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.