The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
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Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
dads on road-trips be like
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.