@AristotlesNZ: Car broke down. Seen enough Man vs Wild to survive. 20mins later when the tow truck showed up I was drinking urine out of a poodle's skull.
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@WistfulBlue: When someone loves you a lot they will buy you a burrito even when you're not hungry so you can get fat and no one else will love you.
@Snarfernini: *boss walks in Me: I lost my contact Boss: Why are you naked & why is Greg under your desk? Me: Boss: Me: Shut the door when you leave
@brendohare: I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. "Did you notice I'm wearing a suit?" "Yes"