[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
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ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Well, shit
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.