[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
You Might Also Like
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook