*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
You Might Also Like
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
courtroom exchange of the day
This kid is a star!
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar