CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
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I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
favorite tropes as memes
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.