CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
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Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
socratic questions
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.