Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
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Smallpox sounds so adorable
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.