card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
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6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion