Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
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Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different