Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
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16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.