“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
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[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs