“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
You Might Also Like
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
pat pat
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.