Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
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[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
#NeverForget
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.