My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
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If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Become a minion. Get that bread.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
“no gods no masters” = leo
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car