CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
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I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too