“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
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When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.