@audipenny: *carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
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@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door? Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific? 4: No reason.
@DocBrown21: My next tattoo will be "helvetica" written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
@TheTweetOfGod: People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that's why.