*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
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“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
#StillHurts
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.