[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
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I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.